Conan The Barbarian
The original remains one of my favourite films, this turgid piece of shit remake is not however. What's even more baffling is how anyone can not only fuck up such a simple remake, but how someone could fuck it up with such jaw-dropping magnitude!
I got about 3/4 of the way through before I switched it off in disgust.
That New Twilight Movie
I've not even seen it, but given my pouring scorn on the last three travesties that make up the Twilight Saga in my review on this very blog, ( Twilight Saga 1-3 ), I'm quite confident that this won't have me throwing out my Hammer Horror collection just yet. From what I'm told it's even more terrible than the first three movies and now has more in common with an episode of Home & Away that's been written by some love sick emo kid.
I'd rather stick hot pins in my eyes than watch this pus-filled bag of monkey shit.
Ooh! A vampire hunting, gun-toting, kung fu fighting priest kicks the shit out of everyone in spectacular style in an alternative, apocalyptic future. Sounds great!
Pity, I rather like Paul Bettany as an actor. Shame he fucks things up in the following film as well.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I really must get it into my head that most films featuring demons and angels are generally shit.
For the record, (due to all the loop holes that dog this film from beginning to dreary end), I still am none the wiser as to what it's actually all about. The only thing I can ascertain from what laughable plot there is, is that if God did turn on man I'm quite sure his old buddy and bunk mate Satan would attempt strike a deal with us dumb apes so together we could conquer our common enemy?
Makes perfect sense to me. Sadly, this film does not.
Scantily clad babes with guns blowing lots of shit up. What could possible go wrong?
Quite a lot actually. Even the presence of some very under-dressed ladies gunning down everything in sight can't pull this out from beneath the murky depths of mediocrity.
Okay, the fights weren't all that bad, but if you're fast forwarding just to get to the fight scenes then alarm bells should start ringing because the only movies you should be fast forwarding just to get to the fight scenes are Hong Kong action movies and that's only because Hong Kong action movies are 20 minutes of plot with an hour and a half of bullets, guns and martial arts.